In my mind trips are short getaways to nearby locations, as opposed to vacations which are longer stays farther away. We spent the last weekend in St. Louis, Missouri, about three hours away. Well, we spent two nights there and drove home on Saturday. We stayed with my husband’s aunt and met my godfather for breakfast on Saturday before we left town. When I was talking to Zach’s aunt about everything that’s going on with my father I was able to conversate without getting emotional. I thought I had finally turned a corner in all of this. Then, the next day I started crying talking to my godfather about everything. My godfather went to law school with my father and has stayed close with him ever since.

My godfather brought me pictures of my father and sent me a video of them at Notre Dame (my godfather’s alma mater). I’m starting to work on a slideshow that will ultimately be used at my father’s funeral, but I’m hoping to have it all put together before he passes so he can enjoy it too. A good friend is offering lots of help with the slideshow process and even found me a photo scanner that I’ll be able to use on Sunday to scan the photos at my parents’ house.

My father seems to be fading faster than I think the doctors were assuming. Sunday, he couldn’t even really sit at the kitchen table and work did not go great today. He passed off his last litigation case to me this morning, which I was planning to take anyway. I started it, so I’m fine to finish it. It’s also a real low-pressure case because it’s part of a probate estate so my client and I will get paid whether we win or lose. Then, this afternoon my father lost his patience at a meeting with the county commissioners. I know he doesn’t feel good in the afternoons, and I know he’s struggling with anything complicated.

It’s all heartbreaking to watch the decline. I know I wanted the warning and the closure that came with a more drug out demise, but I feel like I’m paying the price now. I know that’s incredibly selfish. My father is the one suffering, but it’s not easy to watch. I hate seeing him in pain. I’ve started working out on our cardio machine in the evenings and I just cry, full-on sobbing, while I’m exercising. It feels rather therapeutic.

This morning I told my father I wanted to do the eulogy if they didn’t do a Catholic mass, and if they did a mass I would like to speak at the end. I also asked him to pick out songs he would want in his slideshow. He and I both knew Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd would be one, but I have so many pictures I will need more. I’m going to let him and my mother decide, but some thoughts I had were Broken Halos by Chris Stapleton, Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas, and Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and several different songs by CCR.

I’m sure going through all the pictures will be a fun trip down memory lane, but I know it will be emotional because the trip is coming to such an abrupt end. My father teared up when I started talking about his funeral today. I told him I didn’t mean to depress everyone, but he had mentioned to me Thursday that they were starting to plan things. He asked my husband and my oldest son to be pallbearers. My oldest son is not looking forward to wearing a suit, but I know he’ll appreciate the opportunity and honor to participate in the funeral like that. My father knows I mean well and I think he appreciates the compulsive planner in me, because that is a characteristic I got from him.

If by some chance my father is still alive March 10^th, I will be shocked if he is up to going on the trip I planned to Hot Springs, Arkansas. That’s more upsetting to me than it should be. I had tons of vacations and trips with my father. I was really looking forward to one more though.

The compulsive planner in me is also already thinking about a vacation for Christmas. It will be our first Christmas without my father, so I want to take my mother somewhere with us. I’m tentatively thinking about flying into Portland, Maine and renting a car to drive back and stop in all the New England states. My mother has never been to New England and I hear there are lots of places up that way that are neat at Christmas time. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said “you don’t that [he’ll be gone before Christmas].” I think my husband tries to stay positive to help lift my spirits, but I’m too practical to me appeased with unfounded positivity.

My father had a talk with my daughter on Sunday about his thoughts on Christianity and the afterlife because my daughter’s therapist suggested we have that conversation. He told her he didn’t know for sure what was right, but he felt like being a Christian most of his life made him live a better life and be a better person. I’m not worried about him not going to Heaven. I think I’m just sad that I won’t get to see him every day or go to him for advice anymore.

I continue to tell people I’m grateful we had some warning. I spoke with a woman who works for our diocese Thursday and when she said she was praying for our family I told her I was grateful for the warning, etc., like I’ve been telling everyone. She said she was sure that was easier and mentioned losing her son suddenly several months ago. I told her I knew about that, and I continued to pray for her family. You expect to bury your parents. No one should have to bury a child. Now, in addition to telling people I’m grateful for the opportunity for closure, I’ve been adding that I’m not worried about anything (work is going to be fine, and my father will be leaving my mother in a good place financially, and I took the opportunity to tell my father everything I wanted him to know), but I’m still sad that he won’t be around anymore.

When we were having breakfast with my godfather over the weekend he teared up a couple times when I would start crying. I’m trying to step back and be cognizant of how hard this loss is for other people besides just my mother and me. My godfather is about to lose one of his best friends. I know losing one of my best friends from high school in December 2021 tore me up for a while. I actually thought about her today. Hopefully her and my father can jam out to music together in Heaven. My father took her and I to a lot of concerts when we were in high school and I think he loved it as much as we did. I didn’t have any warning with her loss, but I also didn’t have to watch her family cry about it (until her funeral). My godfather and my father have one other friend they stayed really close with from law school (I’m sure they’ve kept in touch with others, but the three of them are the ones I’ve known my whole life and that have stayed really close all these years). My godfather said the third member of their trio was really struggling with the situation. I should have made an effort to see him as well when I was in St. Louis. They are my father’s friends, but as an adult I have hung out with them quite a bit without my parents. I definitely consider them more like Uncles than like my father’s friends from law school. I know the loss of my father will be extremely difficult for them as well.  

As we’re contemplating the funeral arrangements, I’m trying to be cognizant of how many people will want to mourn my father. He has always been a giver and so many in our community have been recipients of his generosity.