Yesterday, my father told me he didn’t think he should be working anymore. It seems strange that it was only yesterday because so much has happened since that conversation. Father came into my office first thing yesterday morning, as he has been doing pretty much every day we’ve worked together (another thing I will really miss when he’s gone). He told me he can tell he’s getting confused easily now and he doesn’t think he has any business practicing law. He was tearing up a bit during the conversation. I told him I understood and I would be fine and I feel like things are under control. We had a new attorney start February first and he’ll be able to cover the things I would have needed my father to cover.

When we first started talking my father asked where I had to go and I told him I had juvenile court. Then, a few minutes later he said, “I’m confused again. Where are you going today?” I again said I had juvenile court. It doesn’t bother me to repeat things, but I know it bothers him to know he’s slipping so much. He’s so used to taking charge and taking care of everyone I know it upsets him to be becoming helpless.

When I left for Court I knew I was feeling emotional. I try so hard not to cry in front of my father. I promised him I am strong enough to take care of my mother, my brother, and the office when he’s gone. I want him to believe that. I know it’s true. I know I can handle everything. I just get sad thinking about the world without my father. I try very hard not to let him see my tears though. As a result, when I got to Court and a friend asked how my father was doing I started crying.

I’m so tired of crying in front of people. Everyone has their own shit going on. I don’t believe crying makes someone weak, but I don’t want people thinking I need anything. I don’t need anything. I’m just sad that my fucking father is dying.

After Court yesterday my husband and I drove to St. Louis to see Adam Sandler. During the show, Adam Sandler sang his song he wrote for Chris Farley, which made me fucking cry. I was doing okay until he talked about seeing Chris’s father cry at the funeral. December 31, 2021 I went to a friend’s funeral and her father was there in the front row, sobbing. It was absolutely awful. My heart broke for him. He shouldn’t have had to bury his daughter and certainly not at age 31. She also died of an overdose, so the tribute to Chris Farley really hit home. Also, anything about death seems to hit home lately.

It was a whirlwind trip. We were checked into the hotel for fifteen hours. I had a client meeting at 5:00pm today and had tickets to a high school play that featured a friend’s (one of our paralegal’s) daughter at 7:00pm. So, we left the hotel at 9:30am, made a pit stop at Golf Galaxy for the husband, went to pick up the kids from my in-laws, then came home. I was home for about ten minutes then had to headed back out. When we were driving home from my in-laws’ house I started crying out of nowhere. My husband asked what was wrong and it took me a bit to compose myself enough to tell him, “I was just thinking about my dad again.” I reminded my husband again that I cry a lot, but I am not losing my shit. I’m still doing what I need to do, taking care of my responsibilities. I just cry in my car a lot. I’ve conditioned myself to do that because that’s usually the only time I’m alone, unless it’s one of the days I have my shit together enough to workout in our garage. Today I was in my car, but wasn’t alone. The kids were sleeping though, so it was just the husband who saw my tears today.  

My father is with his two best friends from law school and the women in their lives this weekend. They are in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I know my mother was worried my father wouldn’t have the energy or feel good enough to be much fun. I talked with my godfather (one of the two best friends) briefly today and he indicated they were having a good time. I’m really glad my father is getting that time with them. I adore both of those men very much. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but my father has cultivated so many great relationships that we have so many people in our corner as we face these difficulties.