Last weekend I went to a retreat with other youth group leaders and PSR teachers for our diocese. It was a pleasant experience. I feel like all the religious exposure I’ve had recently helps keep me grounded, somewhat. Though at one point the speaker showed a video that was supposed to demonstrate intimacy where they put two people together and had them stair at each other for four minutes. They had strangers, a couple who had been together for two years, and a few other couples with varying lengths of relationships. One of the couples had been together fifty-five years. They were hilarious. Everyone was laughing, but I was crying because my mother will never get that. Her and my father would have been married 38 years in August.

I’ve been working on a slideshow for my father, which will ultimately be used for his visitation, but I wanted him to see it as well. I spent hours putting the photos in order in a Google Photos album, thinking that when I downloaded them they would still be in order. They were not. So, Sunday, I got up early and slapped together a good chunk of the photos and made a slideshow with music to show the family Sunday afternoon. My father’s siblings were all at his house, along with one of his cousins, and my mom’s brother and his family. Because my MacBook is a 2012 it is a bit slower and not readily compatible with modern technology. So, everyone had to huddle around my laptop to watch the 29-minute slideshow I slapped together. I think we all cried at some point. I didn’t watch it because I had obviously already seen all of it, but I cried just listening to the songs. The slideshow is still missing several photos that I need to still download to my MacBook. I’m going to fiddle with it some more tonight so that I can hopefully watch it with my father again some this weekend.

My father is on so much medication now that he doses off pretty frequently. My mother said twice on Monday he ran himself a bath, soaked in the bath, decided to drain the bath, and then fell asleep. So, twice my mother walked in on him asleep, naked and wet in an empty bathtub. While all the family was over Sunday, my father was dosing off (several times during the slideshow), but I know he loved getting to visit with everyone. My mother’s brother made the comment to me that my father always loved to socialize. I really appreciate how everyone is making such an effort to still allow my father the social interaction in his current condition.

My cousin was relaying to me some very sweet comments my godfather had told him when they were camping together recently. I felt awful because I don’t think I demonstrated as much appreciation for those kinds words as I would have liked. I just knew I would cry if I said very much. I did text my cousin afterwards and explain that it was just so hard not to cry when talking about all of this.

I know my cousins teared up a bit during the slideshow. I have one song in there, “Even though I’m Leaving,” by Luke Combs that really makes me cry and I think it made most of the family tear up too. The rest of the songs are relatively happy. It ends with “My Way.” My mother thought that was very fitting for my father, but she doesn’t like Frank Sinatra or Elvis so I used the Seth McFarland version from Sing. My husband thought that was funny, but my mother liked it.

Before Sunday I hadn’t really thought about the fact that my father is almost certainly going to be the first of his generation of the family to pass. I have not lost any of my aunts or uncles. I’m sure that is really difficult for all of them to be faced with their own mortality like that. Also, I think my father has been very well-liked throughout his life. So, I’m sure they all feel like they are losing a very special relationship.

I joined the board of a local foundation recently, taking my father’s place. I had my first board meeting with that foundation on Wednesday. My father called me during that meeting. I stepped out to take the call because at this point I never know when its going to be my last chance to talk to my father. When I was talking to him he was crying saying my mother didn’t think he could handle coming to Hot Springs with us this weekend. After I got off the phone with him I had a bit of a breakdown. I pulled myself together and went back into the meeting. I was able to get though the rest of the meeting, but afterwards a couple people started asking me how my father was doing. I told them he was the one who called when I stepped out. Then I started to tear up.

One of the women involved with the foundation immediately pulled me into her office and talked to me. I know she’s of an older generation where I’m sure women had to be completely un-emotional to be taken seriously. So, I understand why she did what she did, but I am not all that worried about crying in front of people anymore. My father is dying, and he and I have always been close. I don’t think anyone would hold it against me if I get emotional about that. I’m glad my generation is more accepting of the human emotions.

After that phone call with my father Wednesday morning, he and my mother came into the office. He and I talked some more about the details of the trip I had planned to Hot Springs, Arkansas. He said he was going to talk my mother into going with us. My mother called that afternoon and said they would be joining us.

Last night I got a text from the mother of one of my oldest son’s friends. Apparently my oldest had invited one of his friends to come to Hot Springs with us, without asking or even telling me. I was upset, but the reality is I’m sure this is karma because I know I did crap like that to my parents. I told this friend’s mother that this was going to be my last trip with my dying father and I wanted it to just be family this weekend. I told her I’d be happy to take her son with us another time. I hated having to have that conversation, but, again, I know its deserved because I pulled crap like that MANY times.

We’re going to be leaving town in a couple hours to head to Hot Springs, Arkansas for the weekend. We’ll be meeting my parents down there. I have reserved a nice house right on the lake. I’m so excited to have this last trip with my father and hope to make the most of the time. Talking to my father is somewhat like talking to someone with dementia. I’m not sure if its because of the pain meds (he’s currently using 100mg fentanyl patches, hydrocodone, and morphine as needed) or if the cancer is in his brain now. Either way, he’s very forgetful now. We let him drive to Chick-Fil-A Wednesday and he lost the keys and then his wallet, both of which were in his pocket. Luckily, the drive went fine (it was less than a mile), but I was nervous about it for him. I’m still very appreciative of this opportunity to spend a weekend with my parents and my own family.