Yesterday, my mother came into the office briefly. She indicated that my father was really struggling to stay awake even long enough to go to the bathroom or take his pills. I told her I thought it would be best if it went quick because I know my father wouldn’t want to live like this. She agreed.

A friend of ours who we’ve known since I was in high school came out to visit my father yesterday and she called me afterwards to tell me she felt like it was a pleasant visit. I believe my brother and his family and my uncle were also over at various points yesterday.

Today, my mother sent a text to my brother, my uncle, and me saying that hospice was going to be bringing the hospital bed and the morphine was going to need to be increased such that my father likely won’t be conscious much anymore. She sent that text around 9:00am, but I had just finished a St. Patrick’s Day 5k with some friends and was drinking a beer when I got the text.

It was a strange feeling because it’s obviously bad news, but I didn’t feel guilty or feel like I needed to rush down there. I just felt like my father liked to have a good time and he would be happy for me to do the same. I did text the church secretary to see if our priest could visit my father fairly soon, but decided to go about my day as planned: I hung out with my friends for a bit, went to see my cousin for three hours, went home and hung out with my kids for a bit, then took a couple of the kids to mass. After all that I headed down to my parents’ house. I told my mother I would stay the night so I could be the one getting up with Dad, since I was sure she needed to sleep.

Things have been so crazy lately that people keep making comments like, “I don’t want to burden you.” I know they mean well, but I don’t want to be cut off from things just because my father is dying. You expect to bury your parents, you don’t expect your marriage to end or to have to file a restraining order against someone, etc. As I said, I think my father would want us all to continue on as close to normal as possible and that is what I have tried to do. It was great to catch up with my cousin today and to spend time with friends.

I brought my mother dinner and we had a pleasant visit. Neither of us cried. She said she hopes he doesn’t die on his birthday in twelve days. I told her I didn’t want my younger kids to see my father anymore. I think we’re both just being very pragmatic at this point. My husband is a plumber, so we reached out to him and asked about getting the shower situated so that my mother will hopefully be able to bathe my father.

When my mother sent the text this morning my uncle, cousin, and brother all went down to help set up the hospital bed. I know that was really helpful to my mother because several pieces of furniture needed to be moved to put the bed by the window so that my father can still see the beautiful view of his property if he wakes up. My grandfather died in 2020 from prostate cancer, but he was in a hospital bed at home when he passed as well. So, my step-grandmother is going to visit my mother tomorrow and pass on her tips as to the logistics.

Our priest is coming tomorrow afternoon to see my father. I’m looking forward to that. My daughter wants to be present for that as well. My father had mixed feelings about religion at the end, but he did tell me at one point that the anointing of the sick “couldn’t hurt.” Since it seems we’re getting very close I went ahead and reached out and got it scheduled.

My father does still speak some, but its largely nonsense. He did seem to remember who I was most of the time, but at one point thought I was my aunt. At one point he asked me where I worked then said, “We need to come visit you at work.” He has to go directly from the hospital bed to the wheel chair, but he asked several times if he’d gone for a walk yet. At one point he asked me when dinner was going to be ready and offered to go get dinner for us. It’s all just a stream of fairly well-constructed sentences that don’t really make sense and don’t really relate to anything. He called me beautiful and held my hand quite a bit, which felt really sweet.

My mother is very sweet and loving to him and he has been sweet to us. I haven’t seen him get mad or upset about anything since I got here four hours ago. He thanked us for taking care of him several times. He has to take morphine every two hours and has a different medicine he takes in between the morphine doses, plus he still has the fentanyl patches.

It was very cold today, but the sky was beautiful. It was partly cloudy, but the sun shined through the clouds beautifully and I got to see a gorgeous sunset from my parents’ house. It kind of felt like God was calling my father home through the light rays. I would really like my father to get through the sacrament with our priest tomorrow, but I do hope he doesn’t linger like this long. I don’t think anyone would want to exist like this for a prolonged period of time.

It seems so crazy to think how quickly things tipped over. Eight days ago my father had a great night, taught my kids how to play pool, stayed up and had great conversations with my mother and me, and ate a full meal. One week ago he was watching TV in the living room of our Airbnb, enjoying himself after we all went to the horse races. I suppose this is the sudden drop my mother was warned about. I told the kids tonight that the priest would be going to visit my father tomorrow because he’ll probably die in a few days. My daughter said, “Days? I thought you said he’d die during summer.” I told her we thought that initially, but things have progressed faster. Hopefully the sudden change of situation isn’t too traumatic for her.

I’m so grateful we got that trip to Hot Springs. Those will be the last memories my younger children have of my father and they were great ones. My father did not want his grandchildren to remember him in a scary hospital bed, so I’m not going to let my younger children see him anymore. My older two are old enough that they will have significant memories apart from this ending. So, I told my daughter she could come over while the priest is at my parents’ house tomorrow. I’m not sure if my oldest will want to come, but I would let him if he wants. My eight-year-old might get something out of it as well, but with him I’m still afraid it would be the type of traumatic memory that would stay with him more than all the positive things. So, I’m planning to have my husband keep the younger children during all that.