My father would have been sixty-three on March 30th. We went out to a winery he enjoyed that is owned by a friend of the family (the doctor who delivered my fourth child’s family). My mother; my brother and his family; my father’s sister, her husband, her brother-in-law and sister-in-law; my father’s oldest brother and his wife; and a couple family friends were there. 

The morning of my father’s birthday, I saw beautiful light beams shining through the clouds. It felt like my father smiling down on us from heaven. I said, “Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.” Then proceeded to start crying. Luckily, I got to the office early, before anyone else was there, so I didn’t have to answer for the tears. I was also lucky enough to have forgotten to put make-up on that morning, so no worries there. 

My daughter had therapy that day, so when I picked her up I invited her to come with us to celebrate my father’s birthday. She said yes, but then after therapy said she just wanted to go home and work on her school work. I think she wasn’t ready to talk about it anymore. I don’t know exactly what she talked about in therapy, but I understand the emotional exhaustion that can come with it sometimes and I didn’t push her much. I tried to tell her we weren’t planning to cry; we really just intended to celebrate him and share the good memories.

I did cry at one point when I was telling my father’s sister about the last phone call I had with my father. I told her I was in court and debated leaving to answer the phone, but told myself I needed to because you never know when it would be the last call. It was the last call. He told me, “It won’t be long.” I said, “I know, Dad.” He started crying, told me he loved me, I said it back and he hung up. I went back into court crying and that was hard, but it was absolutely worth it to have that last conversation with him. 

My mother cried a bit at one point, but I already can’t remember what she was saying that made her so emotional. My father’s sister said she had been crying a lot. She had asked my mother for one of my father’s shirts and my mother had brought it to her. My father’s sister-in-law shared some more pictures with me, so I have a few more things to add to the slideshow before the visitation tonight. My mother’s friend had brought a birthday balloon for my father. My mother said she would release it off of her back deck when she got home. 

On the way home, I heard the song “See you Again” by Carrie Underwood. It brought tears to my eyes. I listed to it again this morning and it made me cry. It is such a beautiful song and so fitting for this time of my life. It felt like another of those “God winks.” I shared it on Facebook this morning and said I’m looking forward to celebrating my father this weekend.

It was interesting talking with everyone last night, hearing my mother say when my father was dying she was hearing from people all the time, but since he’s passed she hasn’t heard from many people. I have had such a huge outpouring of support and I am incredibly grateful for it, but I feel like my mother and brother probably need it more than me. I told my husband (and my mother acknowledged this as well) that people probably don’t want to bug her, so a lot of the family and friends have been reaching out to me to get information or make plans. 

I can’t even begin to list all the incredible loving support I have received through all of this. Two of my best friends got me a personalized Bible that has my saint, Rose of Lima, and my name on the cover. I had told them a while ago I wanted a special Bible because I didn’t even have a Bible anymore, but I never got around to ordering myself one so it totally made my day that it got delivered on my father’s birthday. These same two friends have agreed to miss the cemetery celebration to get things set up for the luncheon we are having for my father tomorrow. That was such a huge help to my mother and me, and these beautiful souls acted really excited about the task. 

In addition to them, I have had so many other people, people I feel like I don’t even know that well, reaching out to check on me or bringing me gifts they found helpful during a tough time, or sending me cards or whatever. A woman I think I met twice at alumni events for my college sent me an email this week telling me she was sorry to hear about my father and sharing that she lost her own father in August. We visited some about that and it felt like such a kind gesture from someone I didn’t feel like I knew that well. I told my husband this whole experience is really making me think about what kind of person I want to be because for a lot of these people I feel like I may not have even known about their parents passing or have been anywhere near as kind and supportive to them as they are being to me. I have a new personal goal for myself to become that person for the next person I see grieving. I will try to start with my brother. 

I started reading the devotional, Geek and You Shall Find by Ellen Elliott during my daughter’s therapy session yesterday. I think I’m really going to like it. It takes Christian devotionals and presents them through the lens of geeky pop-culture references. It was given to me by another attorney who I really like. She is always super sweet and we consult on cases sometimes, but I told my husband I don’t know that I would have even known if one of her parents passed away. Again, I’m going to make an effort to be a better friend going forward. 

Today is the visitation. I’m sure I will write more either tonight or in the morning (depending on if I decide to drink with my godfather tonight). I bought waterproof mascara, but I’m hoping I don’t need it tonight. I’m speaking at the funeral tomorrow and I keep practicing my speech and its always between 8.5 and 10 minutes. I’m not sure anyone wants to hear me talk for that long, but I guess they’re going to have to. Buckle up people. I’m not trimming it down. I will try to talk fast though.