April 1st was my father’s funeral. The mass was at 10:00am, but there was a rosary at 9:30am and we were supposed to be there at 9:15am. I never veil at mass, but I decided I wanted to for the funeral and I ordered a neat one off Amazon. Because we were running late I forgot it. I’m not sure when/if I’ll ever wear it now. 

My daughter led the rosary and we churned through that in record time. Some lady toward the back was setting the pace and we were really cranking through those decades. It felt therapeutic and beautiful though.

I had always planned to speak at the funeral. I had told a few people I was going to type up what I wanted to say, so that if I got nervous I would be able to just read it. I never got around to doing that though. I had hand-written an outline of what I wanted to say, but I didn’t bring that either. I had practiced in my car and the bathroom several times. I think I ultimately decided I wanted it to seem more like a conversation, so I didn’t want to have it written down or be referencing note cards or an outline. 

When the mass started my uncles and one of my cousins carried the urn down the aisle and my husband and oldest son carried the pall and spread it over the urn at the beginning of mass. It was all so beautiful I got kind of choked up and almost started crying. The music was also incredibly beautiful throughout mass and that made me feel emotional too. I started getting really nervous that I would cry when I got up to speak. Apparently, I was so nervous my Apple Watch thought I was exercising. 

My daughter did the first reading and she did great. Everyone was really impressed with her. Leading the rosary and doing a reading at age eleven does seem pretty impressive to me, but I’m probably biased. My eight-year old carried the gifts down with my cousin and he did great and seemed very proud of himself. My four-year-old stayed fairly quiet throughout mass.  

I was slated to speak after communion. Side note: there were far more Catholics at the funeral than I had expected going through communion. I got up and told myself to take a breath and just stay calm. As an attorney who frequently makes court appearances, public speaking is not a big deal for me, but something as special as my father’s funeral did have me pretty nervous. Since I didn’t end up writing it all out, I can’t restate exactly what I said, but I can probably get fairly close.

“My favorite story my father ever told me was about when he was a young child growing up in St. Louis, Missouri. He had got in trouble by his parents for playing basketball with African American kids. He did not understand why he was in trouble for that and he was really bothered by it. So, the next time his class when to confession, he started talking to the priest about it. The priest was very kind and talked to him about the social issues of the 1960s and told him we are supposed to honor our father and mother, but our parents aren’t perfect and sometimes they are wrong about things and make mistakes. The priest was very kind to my father and my father really appreciated the discussion, but when he left the confessional all his classmates were looking at him like, ‘What did you do that you had to be in there SO LONG?!?’

There are three points I want to make about that story: first, I think it demonstrates what a loving person my father was; second, I think it speaks to our basic human imperfection; and third, I think it speaks to what the Catholic Church has meant to my family. 

You all know my father was a loving person. That’s why you are all here. He didn’t judge people on race, religion, gender, socio-economic status, or anything. He just loved everyone. For me, personally, the fact that he never believed I was capable of less because I was a woman was such a blessing. Growing up there weren’t different chores for my brother and me. I was expected to load and unload hay bales just like my brother and I tried my hardest to keep up because I didn’t want to disappoint my father. Later, when I got pregnant as an unmarried teenager, my father never let me believe I couldn’t still get through college and law school and he supported me through both. My father brought people together. He would throw parties and invite his high school friends, his college friends, his law school friends, his work friends, and the friends he met farming. A lot of us get anxiety mixing our different friend groups, but my father didn’t. He expected everyone to get along and he did a great job bringing everyone together.

The second point I want to make about that story is about human imperfection. I didn’t share that story to speak ill of my grandparents. I loved my grandparents. My father told me he felt like he had a good childhood because he always felt like his parents really loved being parents. He never felt like they saw their children as an obligation or an inconvenience. They must have passed that on because my brother and I always felt like my father loved us and never felt like we were an obligation or inconvenience to him. We never questioned his love for us. I actually wrote about him in my personal statement for law school. I already had kids at the time and I mentioned wanting to have the ability to structure my work schedule in a way that allowed me to be there for my kids the way my father was always there for my brother and me. My father wasn’t perfect either though. He struggled with alcoholism when I was young and that was difficult, but when my brother was six years old he asked my father to stop drinking whiskey and my father did it. I know addiction is tough and I will always be incredibly proud my father had the strength to overcome it and be the father he was to my brother and me.

The last point I want to make about that story is the role the Catholic Church has played in my family. I know many of you are not Catholic and I don’t mean this to seem too preachy, but personally I know the church has meant a lot to my family. My mother was not Catholic and I’m not sure how my father convinced her to convert, but I’m glad he did. I have friends here who have been with me since elementary school, running around the church basement during Knights of Columbus meetings, and have seen me through some of the worst points in my life and are still here for me today. The women of this parish have been so loving and kind to me through all this stuff with my father. They’ve seen me cry more times than I care to admit, but I am truly grateful for their love and support. The pianist and singers here did my wedding and my grandmother’s funeral. Even though we’re at different parishes now, its still such a close-knit community. Father Joji anointing my father at the end will always be one of my favorite memories. I’m so grateful my father made the Church a priority and grateful my mother joined him in that. Thank you all for being here to pray with us for my father. I love you all.”

There were a few things I had wanted to say that didn’t end up getting said because I insisted on going script-less. During the first part, I wanted to say, “As loving as he was, he was not a pacifist. If you pushed him or someone he loved he would push back ten times as hard; a trait he passed on to my oldest son.” I also wanted to tell everyone about the procession to the cemetery and the luncheon while I was up there, but forgot to mention that. All the family and close friends knew, but I think there may have been a few others who may have joined if we had been more clear as to what the plan was.

At the end, they had the family process out after the cross and the pallbearers. My mother and I left our things in the pew because we thought it would look weird if we were carrying all our stuff. So, after mass we had to go back in to get our things from the front row. We both ended up getting caught in the traffic, if you will. I ran into the youth director and second grade Sunday school teacher I had growing up. She gave me a big hug and kept telling me how proud she was of me. She was hugging on my two close friends I had mentioned as being with me since elementary school. It was really good to see her. Then, I ran into a few other family members who wanted to give me big hugs and tell me how good I did on my speech. I’m definitely a positive reinforcement kind of person, so it felt really good to hear them tell me they liked what I said. I was a little worried people would be put-off that I brought up the alcoholism, but it was the truth and my father was not one to sugar-coat things. One of the judges I appear in front of a lot came up to me and said, “No notes or anything. You just got up there and started talking.” His opinion means a lot to me, so I was glad he approved of what I said. After I finally got to my stuff and got back out to the entry way where everyone was congregating, I saw my former law partner who retired in December. He hugged me and said, “You did a great job. It’s hard to get up there and do that, but you did it.” He seemed pretty emotional and I have a tremendous amount of respect for him, so it meant a lot to me for him to say that. Several other friends told me how great I did, as well, which definitely made me feel better after being so nervous about it. Even some of my father’s camp-out buddies told me I did a good job on my speech. My daughter also received many complements about how well she did leading the rosary and doing the reading. 

I drove my mother to the cemetery, so that she could hold my father’s ashes on the way there. It was a lengthy procession, but it was kind of spaced out and somewhere along the way some of them got lost. It was five miles and really only one turn, but people still got confused somehow. My husband and kids ended up much farther back in the procession and my husband tried to help direct traffic, but wasn’t able to stop several of them from getting off track. The cemetery prayer was short, but sweet. My brother and I got to put the urn in the vault and seal it up at the end. Then, we headed to our luncheon where we got to play the slideshow I made for everyone again. 

It all went fairly seamlessly, though it probably would have been better if I had remembered to give everyone directions at the end of mass. Overall, I was happy with how it turned out and felt like we put together a great tribute to my father. 

There were more awkwardly long hugs. Last night, my husband and I watched the final episodes of Shrinking and in one episode they made a big deal about Harrison Ford hugging Jason Segal. I told my husband the hugs were one of the more awkward parts of the weekend. I told him I’m not a hugger to begin with, more of a side-hug or high-five kind of person, but the visitation and funeral experience came with a lot of really LONG hugs. I told my husband I feel like most of the time the people hugging me needed the hug more than I did. A friend from childhood came up to my mother right before mass started and sobbed on her shoulder for a while. He then hugged me for a long time too. I do genuinely love him like a brother and I know losing my father is a huge blow to him, but I’m still not a huge fan of hugs, especially the long ones. I don’t want to seem super negative about it though. I am happy that so many people loved my father so much and felt like they needed that intimate comfort. 

After the luncheon some of the family (my mother’s side of the family) went to my mother’s house. It was a beautiful day and we had a nice time visiting and playing soccer with my daughter in the yard. My family was the last to leave. We came home and I stayed up fairly late, still not able to sleep much. It was a long day, but I am happy with the tribute we gave my father. I wish I had taken pictures of many things along the way, at mass and the cemetery, but I was trying to just live in the moment. Luckily, my cousin did take a few pictures at the cemetery and she sent those to me.