The past week has been somewhat of a blur. I’m still trying to get my head back above water. Things were getting crazy at work before my father passed because I was all of sudden having to try to cover the work load of three attorneys (one of my partners retired in December and my father was not able to work long after his diagnosis). In addition to that, I took some time off once my father went into the hospital bed and after he died, and the week before that I had taken two days off to travel with my family. So, there were a series of things culminating to get me very far behind at work. I have a really great support staff, but I continue to have trouble sleeping because I just keep thinking about all the work things that need to get done. I feel so tense all the time.

I used to get up at 4:00am every morning and work from home. I haven’t been doing that lately because I felt like I was so behind on sleep that if I started getting up that early I wouldn’t be able to stay up through the day. Then, late last week I got sick. So, I was trying to rest and sleep more, but I continue to get worse with my cough it seems. 

I had every intention of putting in a full work day over the weekend, but because I got sick I decided I need to focus on my health. If I don’t get over this sickness, I won’t be able to be productive at work. My mother came to church with us today and seemed worried that my cough is continuing to get worse. 

There’s a lot of that going around, the worrying I mean. My mother had high blood pressure before my father’s diagnosis, but had been able to get it under control. After the funeral, she had started to have really high blood pressure again. I’ve known several people who lost one parent and then the second parent quickly followed. I don’t feel like I could handle that. I keep trying to tell my mother to get rest and that nothing needs to be done right now. She’s trying to clear out my father’s things and get her house situated for my brother to move in. I feel like my brother is getting a free place to stay for a year or more, so anything that needs to be done he should have to do. 

My mother and I went to another funeral on Friday. We were not close to the man who died, but we are close to his sister and his niece. He had been quite sick for a long time and decided to stop doing dialysis, which resulted in his passing. He, like my father, chose to bravely accept death. His sister and niece put together a beautiful celebration of life for him and he had several family and friends who came to celebrate him. His niece wrote a great eulogy for him. I left Court early Friday to make it to the funeral. Several people said something along the lines of, “I hope this season of funerals end for you soon.” 

One of the court clerks in our local county told me her father (or grandfather maybe?) said people die in the spring when the sap starts to come down the trees. She said she always thought he was crazy, but she’s known a lot of people who died this spring. Hopefully, I will have a bit of a break from saying goodbye for a while. 

This past week I told several people it was starting to seem almost normal that my father was gone. Some people assured me it would never feel normal. Wednesday night I saw a friend’s father at Walmart. He was diagnosed with lung cancer before my father was ever diagnosed with his cancer. This man has never been one to take care of himself very well. I told my mother Thursday it is hard for me to believe that he’s still alive and my father is dead. My mother said she thinks that about a lot of people these days. Not that we wish our fate on anyone else, but my father was always so strong and healthy and its crazy how many people have outlived him. 

The reason I saw this friend’s father at Walmart is because he doesn’t have the strength to walk through the store. So, I saw him at the front of the store. My father would have chosen quality of life over quantity, which is why he chose not to try to buy a few more months with cancer treatments. 

Today, my three older children each picked out a bouquet of flowers at Walmart to take to my father’s grave. I have gone to visit him every Sunday since he was buried. I hope to be able to keep that up. It tends to make me emotional, but it is important to me to honor him and for my children to remember how much he meant to me. 

Some days are harder than others. Today has been harder for some reason. Maybe because I’m sick. In any event, I have been really emotional about things today. Today is one of those days it doesn’t seem real. The fact that I won’t hear his voice or see his smile in person anymore is hitting me hard today. 

Thursday we bought his old car from my mother. My daughter told me she would not want her dead father’s car. I had been wanting a car that got better gas mileage to drive for work, both to save gas money and to hopefully prolong the life of our Yukon. Also, I know my mother wanted to sell both the vehicles to get a Highlander hybrid, so I wanted to help her out. Today, as we were driving to church my oldest son farted in the car and the kids were complaining both about the smell and about how cold it was with the windows down. So, I said, “Well, Grandpa has a sun roof so we can use that.” It felt odd talking about him like that, like it was still his car or like he was still here. I don’t know that I want to start talking about him in past-tense, but it also feels a little odd talking about him in present-tense when he isn’t here anymore. That’s something I suppose I will ponder over more as I try to get used to this new normal.  

I know life isn’t fair and I think if we were honest with ourselves we would have to admit we benefit from that unfairness more than we are hurt by it. That doesn’t stop the hurting in the unfair moments though. I’m sure the tension will ease up at some point. I just hope my mother and my business can survive until then.