Wednesday, I took a pregnancy test. It had only been six weeks since my last period and my menstrual cycle has been very unusual for the past couple years. This past month, my doctor started me on a supplement that was supposed to help my ovaries. He had said my period would probably be more intense than normal. I had been very tired and emotional, but my father passed away recently, and I’ve been really stressed trying to figure out how to manage the business he and I had by myself. My teeth had been feeling strange though. So, since I had a pregnancy test in the house (last time I tested I had to buy a two-pack) I decided to take the test Wednesday morning.

It showed as positive. I had a big trial that day, so I didn’t take the time to call the doctor to schedule a confirmation test. I did text the woman who teaches youth group with me and told her I had a trial all day and had another one the next day that I needed to prepare for, so I wasn’t going to come to youth group. It was adoration night, so there wasn’t any actual teaching. I really did have another trial to prepare for and I felt extremely exhausted.

I wasn’t going to say anything to my husband or my children unless/until I got confirmation it was real. That started to feel like secret-keeping though. So, I told my husband and my three younger kids Wednesday night while we were all watching the Memphis Grizzlies game together. My daughter was quick to point out that if I’m pregnant my oldest would be 30 when this child could get his/her driver’s license. I don’t like that math, but there would only be 5.5 years between my fourth and fifth children.

My husband has had significant anxiety about the situation and said he’d wished I hadn’t said anything unless/until I knew it was real. He did say it would be fitting to be bringing new life into the family right after my father’s death, but he still doesn’t really feel comfortable with us having another child.

Thursday, my mother and I were talking about future planning things for the firm and for when I would be buying the office building and my mother’s home. Since we were talking about future planning stuff, I told her about the pregnancy test. I teared up when I told her. I’m not sure why. I had wanted another child for a while. Maybe it was a bit of embarrassment that this would not be great timing with all the chaos at our law firm. I think part of it is that I had been struggling to wrap my mind around having a child that won’t meet my father. My father came to the hospital to meet all four of my children and the fact that he wouldn’t be able to do that this time really hurt.

When I told my mother, she cried. She said unplanned children have turned into blessings throughout human history and she would be happy to have new life in the family. She started crying talking about how my father won’t get to meet this child, at least not in this world.

My husband was not happy that I had said anything to anyone else before we knew for sure. My mother told a couple of our support staff on Friday, and she told my brother and his family. My brother texted me and said they were excited to have a new life in the family. My husband firmly believes we should not be saying anything until I go to the doctor. I’m scheduled to go to the doctor in two days to get confirmation. I’ve done some research and false positives supposedly occur less than 1% of the time; and if they do there’s usually a serious issue behind it. So, in all likelihood, I’m either pregnant or I have cervical cancer.

I started seeing the nature-path doctor I see now last July. He asked if I wanted to have more children at our initial appointment in July and I said yes, but I wasn’t sure my husband would ever want more. He told me to give him 6-9 months before I started trying. We weren’t “trying” but it has been nine months since I started all these supplements. I had to deal with some viral and bacterial issues and get my thyroid working right again before we could start trying to improve my ovaries. It would seem it only took a few weeks on the ovarian supplement. Unless the ovarian supplement is causing a false-positive, but I looked at the supplement and it does not appear there are any hormones in the supplement. So, I wouldn’t think it would be throwing off the test. I’m definitely not a medical doctor though, so who knows.

The compulsive planner in me has been going crazy. We had planned to take a big vacation for Christmas, since it would be the first Christmas without my father. If I am pregnant, I would be due December 21^st. So, a big Christmas vacation would not be possible. I started fantasizing about a vacation to Key Largo in July, in the event I am pregnant. I guess after Tuesday, I’ll know which vacation to start planning. I have an outline of where we would be staying in either scenario, but haven’t actually booked anything.

I knew before this year even started; it would be my hardest yet. I knew my father would die this year. I knew that would be incredibly hard for me. I feel like a new child would be a lovely distraction from the saddest year to date. I’m afraid that kind of thinking puts too much pressure on the situation and may set my expectations too high. I am trying not to think about things too much and just focus on my tasks and getting enough rest that I feel like I can handle all the tasks.

I haven’t told a lot of people, but still far more people than my husband wanted to know at this point. I’ve had people ask, “Do you feel pregnant?” I don’t know how to answer that. The truth is I’m incredibly exhausted and emotional, but my father died a little over a month ago and there’s a lot to be stressed about with work. So, those could have been a pre-existing condition. The past couple days I have been a bit nauseas and I have had to pee more than normal. Nausea is not super unusual for me (I’ve had significant gut issues that I’ve been working with my doctor on) and I’ve had a pretty rough cough for a while which was making me pee sometimes.

I feel fairly confident the positive test is correct, but, again, I also am afraid I may be getting my hopes up too much. Based on how my husband has reacted so far, I think if I am actually pregnant, I don’t think we would be doing any sort of pregnancy announcement. I suppose no one would really care by the time its your fifth child anyway.

This positive test has made me really think hard about my work situation. I was told I likely had a miscarriage at the start of 2020. If I am pregnant, I don’t want to lose this one. I need to reduce the stress in my life and get to a point that I can manage things only working about 40 hours per week. If I am pregnant, I don’t want to lose this child over some work stressor that won’t even matter in a matter of months.

I have two more days before I go to the doctor to get confirmation on the test. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to take care of myself and focus on peace and health. Even if I’m not pregnant, I probably needed a reason to force that re-focus.