I had thirty-two cases set for hearing on Tuesday. I’ve never had that many cases in one day. Twenty-four were set in the morning. The other eight were set in the afternoon. In between the morning and afternoon cases, I went to take another urine test at the doctor’s office to verify whether I was pregnant. This urine test was also positive, so they scheduled an ultrasound for May 22^nd.

At the time, I was just trying to get it scheduled around my court schedule, but it hit me later that day that the ultrasound will be exactly two months after my father’s passing. That made me cry. All of this is so bitter-sweet. Having a child who will not grow up knowing my father is a tough concept to wrap my head around.

I told my mother (who also works with me at the law firm) that I need to invest in a wheely cart. I was able to carry a box in and out of Court Tuesday to manage my thirty-two files, but pretty soon I will be too big to carry a banker’s box. I don’t know if I will have very many more days where I have thirty-two cases, but it is certainly possible. I had more than ten today but didn’t count exactly. I know it took two expandable files, which would also be difficult to carry around a larger belly.

I haven’t told a ton of people about the pregnancy yet. I don’t think my in-laws even know yet. My husband said it would be best to wait until after the ultrasound to tell people. Again, I don’t foresee any sort of public announcement because I don’t think that many people care when it’s your fifth child. I did make a Facebook post in a private Facebook group for lawyer moms Tuesday night, asking for advice about maternity leave. When I had my fourth child, I was still an associate attorney and salaried, so the firm just continued to pay me my normal wage for twelve weeks. Now that I’m on my own, I wasn’t sure how other women had handled trying to give themselves a maternity leave, while keeping a solo law firm afloat. I received some good advice from those women that I really appreciated. I had forgotten, though, that some of the local women attorneys I know are members of that group. So, they now know I’m pregnant before my husband has even said anything to his parents.

My due date is December 21^st, so I think I will shut the office down for the weeks of Christmas and New Years and get other attorney friends to cover cases for me as much as possible for a couple months. I’ll work from home quite a bit I’m sure and I will need to go into the office at least one day a week. I will probably have to lean on my mother some in the very beginning and maybe have her come to court with me, if there’s something I can’t get out of. I obviously have time to figure it all out, but I am a compulsive planner. So, I was immediately reaching out to other women for advice.

Since I will be due in December, we will not be able to travel for Christmas like we had originally planned. So, now I have planned a two-week trip for us to go to Key Largo, Florida in July. I’m really looking forward to that. I booked the Airbnb Tuesday, before even clearing it with my husband. I had forty-eight hours to cancel, so I just booked it and told myself if he was opposed, I would cancel. So, I asked him Wednesday and he agreed. Florida has three national parks and we should be able to visit all three while on our vacation.

I had two different attorneys tell me today that I work too much. That seemed crazy to me because I am so far behind on so many things on my work to-do list. How can I work too much when I am still so far behind? I had some cramping today, which made me really nervous. I’m so worried that the work stresses are going to cause me to lose this baby. My trial this afternoon got over quickly because the defendant didn’t show up. So, I went home and took a nap, hoping the rest would be good for the baby. I wasn’t cramping anymore after the nap. So, hopefully it helped.

The other night I had a dream about my father. We were at the house I grew up in. My parents sold the house about 10 years ago to someone I went to high school with. My husband and I had lived in that house until I went to law school. My parents used that money to pay off my law school tuition. I still have about $40,000 in student loans because, having three kids during law school, I had significant living expenses. In the dream, someone else was with us, but I’m not sure who it was. There was some sort of aircraft floating above the property (there is 20 acres with that house) and it started dumping trash down to the ground just outside our backyard fence. I grabbed whoever was with us and told her to stay close to the house so none of the trash being dropped would fall on her. My father went out to see what was being dropped. He ended up getting buried in the trash as it was being dropped. I ran out there and yelled that I was coming in to get him. As soon as I yelled that he pushed his way out and came back up to the house with me.

I’m not sure what that dream was all about, but I think it was a reminder that my father hated to be taken care of and he would not have liked to live long being as decrepit as he became at the end. It is really jarring to wake up after a vivid dream like that, making it hard to go back to sleep. They say pregnancy gives you vivid dreams. I suppose that seems to be the case for me lately.

Monday, my mother, my brother, and I went to our first GriefShare group. I cried a lot more than I thought I would. My brother and I are definitely the youngest people. There was another woman who looked to be my mother’s age, but most of them appeared to be significantly older than my mother. Everyone in the group had lost a spouse, except my brother and me. I think I’m going to like the group. The people are very nice, and the materials seem helpful. We have homework each week (which I forgot about until I started typing this—I’ll need to get that done this weekend). I think it will be helpful to have some private processing and group processing.

I had a therapy session Wednesday and my therapist said I’ll need to stop doing EMDR until after the baby is born. So, I’ll just be doing one hour of therapy every other week for the rest of the year. I feel pretty good about that. I’ve been emotional, so it will be good to still have someone to talk to twice a month, but I don’t know that I have the energy to really delve into past trauma at this time.

Tomorrow, I’m going to a murder mystery party with some friends from church. I had volunteered to bring sangria before I knew I was pregnant. So, I’m still bringing alcohol I cannot drink. The one who is hosting the party said she’s going to make up some cucumber water for me. I think it will be a fun night. Saturday, my son will have his First Communion. I’m really excited for him, and we have several family members who are coming to celebrate him. We’re having people over to our house afterwards. Our house is definitely not company ready. We are notorious procrastinators, so I am sure I’ll just be spending most of the day Saturday cramming last-minute to make the house half-way presentable.

I’m really excited for my son, but it is a little bitter-sweet also because this will be the first of my children’s sacraments that my father won’t be here to see. It has been an emotional week. I’m not sure if it’s pregnancy, having close to fifty hearings this week (with thirty-two in one day), the other work stresses related to documents I am behind on drafting, the vivid dreams about my father, or something else.