My oldest son is in 8^th grade. When I was pregnant with him, I fantasized about having a cute little football player. He, however, did not have any interest in team sports of any kind until 6^th grade. Actually, he did try soccer when he was in fourth grade, but he only had one or two practices before COVID shut down all the sports. Prior to the football team in 6^th grade, that was his only experience with team sports. In 6^th grade, he played center, which is obviously an important position, but not the most exciting to watch. He’s not built to be a lineman, but in 6^th grade they had strict weight limits for who could run the ball and he was right on the line. Since they didn’t have enough big kids, he was stuck playing lineman.

My father came to several of his games in 6^th grade. My son got to touch the ball every play as center, but it wasn’t as exciting as what we experienced with him this season. My son was hurt all through his 7^th grade year. He had Sever’s disease to start the season due to a growth spurt his body couldn’t quite keep up with properly. He then broke his foot twice in PE before the season was over. So, we didn’t see him play at all in 7^th grade.

This year, was a bit frustrating for him because he was kind of overlooked since his coaches didn’t really have any idea what he was capable of due to the injuries the previous year. He ended up being really fun to watch though. He had three touchdowns, two of which were interceptions he ran back for touchdowns. He also had numerous tackles and sacks. My mother and my in-laws were there to witness his first interception that he ran back for a touchdown. It was really fun to watch him, but it hit me toward the end of the season how much my father would have loved to get to see my son playing this season.

My father loved football and I’m sure he would’ve been excited to see my son do so well this season. I can imagine him calling his friends and brothers and telling them about my son’s statistics from his most recent game. It makes me sad that he had to miss that. My son still had a great cheering section, but I know my father would’ve loved to be part of that cheering section.

These feelings were somewhat compounded by the fact that my husband and I missed one of my son’s interceptions that he ran back for a touchdown because we had a charity dinner that presented a video presentation honoring my father. I had been interviewed for the video and had got through the interview questions without getting too emotional. I got the foundation to send me the video prior to the event, so that I could watch it a few times before the dinner, in hopes that I would not cry at the dinner. One of the women interviewed for my father’s video teared up saying, “I’m really going to miss him.” That was gut-wrenching for me because I know this woman and know she is not emotional.

I sent the video to my mother also. She watched it several times prior to the event, employing the same technique as me. It worked well for her. She was able to get up and make a speech after the video without getting emotional. I still got emotional though.

One of the fundraising activities for this dinner was a “prom” court, with the king and queen candidates earning a vote for each dollar they raised. I was nominated for prom queen. I agreed to do it because the foundation was very important to my father. I didn’t think I would win, but I was happy to help raise money. Since my father was being honored, I decided to reserve enough tables for all the family who wanted to come. So, I started out with 6000 votes after reserving four tables. At this point in time, I had also agreed to merge my law firm with another firm and the new firm apparently donated $1000 to add to my votes also.

So, it shouldn’t have been surprising that I ended up winning prom queen. I was six months pregnant, which may have added to the emotional feelings (and possible sympathy votes/donations). Also, before they started talking about my father, they did a presentation about the history of the foundation, during which a man got emotional talking about how supportive my former law partner was to him. So, I was emotional about how sweet that was that a man I had the pleasure of working with for several years was so celebrated, and then the video played, then my mother spoke, and then I had to immediately wipe my face (which resulted in one of my contacts falling out) and pull it together to go on stage and act like I hadn’t been crying. Luckily, I was not expected to give a speech.

Missing my son’s dominant football performance to honor my father was when it really hit me that my father was missing out on an experience with my son that he would truly have loved. I had been trying to dissociate for months and not dwell on the grief because life was so busy and complicated. I had gone through the whole interview process for an in-house position, been told my friend who knew my interviewers that they were happy with me, then found out I didn’t get the job. I was sure that in-house position was what I wanted and was going to be the best thing for me, but I’m now really grateful it didn’t work out. I was able to merge with another firm that is relieving a lot of the stresses I had as a solo practitioner while still maintaining independence. Specifically, I don’t want to be regulated on vacation days because I love to travel with my family. I get to maintain that flexibility with the new firm and get a lot more support than what I had after my father passed.

That foundation dinner honoring my father hit me hard, but it was fleeting. I went back to not focusing on the grief and just pouring myself into work and the pregnancy. I don’t know if people watch their loved ones after they die. Part of me thinks it would be depressing to see your loved ones grieving, so maybe I wouldn’t want to be able to keep watching my family. Then, I think about things like my son’s football playing and think I would like my father to be able to be watching that from the other side. Whatever the situation is after death, I really wish I could’ve had the chance to talk to my father about my son playing football this season.