A couple years ago I bought a big package of thank you cards. They’re blank on the inside and there were a variety of colors. I cannot remember why I bought them, but I suspect it had something to do with teacher appreciation week. December 30^th I wrote my father a lengthy note in one of those thank you cards. I used the top, bottom, and back of the card. I’d initially been feeling resentful about the timing of all of this, but now I see how lucky I am to have the time to get closure. I had the opportunity to make sure my father knew all the things I wanted him to know. My main point in the thank you card was for him to know he raised me to be strong and I am strong, but I also shared some of my fond memories with him. I’m sad, but I’m strong enough to make it through all of this and strong enough to help my mother and brother through it all too.

January 4^th my parents were told my father will die sometime this summer. We were not expecting good news, but that was worse than what we were expecting. My husband and I were able to go visit with my parents that day and have a good talk. That was the first time I’d seen my husband cry about all of this. They are loaning us a vehicle right now because our Yukon is having some sort of transmission issues. We also had to reach out to my aunt and uncle about a freezer because one of our refrigerator/freezers died on us this week. We also had to deal with our daughter having severe anxiety attacks that resulted in a trip to the emergency room on Thursday. It’s been a hell of a week.

My father keeps apologizing to me that all this is happening, and he always tears up as he apologizes. I keep telling him it’s not his fault and I’m not worried about any of it. I just want him to be able to make the most of the time he has left. We have a trip booked to Hot Springs, Arkansas in March to go to the horse races with my parents. I booked an Airbnb right on the lake that sleeps ten, so my parents will be able to stay with us. I really hope my father still feels good enough to do that in two months.

During the January 4^th appointment with the oncologist, my father was prescribed a pain reliever and a pancreatic enzyme. Today, my father told me the pain pills help him sleep and he only takes them at night for that reason. He said he can’t tell that the pancreatic enzyme is doing much other than helping with his constipation. The hope was that pancreatic enzyme would help him put on weight. When we got to their house today my youngest had spilled juice on my third child, so he put his pants in the drier at my parents’ house as soon as we got there. While his pants were drying my mother gave him my father’s sweat pants to wear. My eight-year-old child was able to wear my father’s pants! That was a rather devastating realization.

We have decided to start going out to visit my parents for a little bit after church each Sunday. I work with my parents so I see them five days per week, but my children don’t get to see them that much. The Sunday visits are more about getting my kids to have as much time with my father as possible. Today, I felt guilty that we stayed into my father’s nap time. I can tell he feels guilty that he doesn’t have more energy for the kids.

In talking with my mother today she was telling me they’ve had so many people wanting to see my father one more time. My mother obviously appreciates that, but I think she worries about my father’s limited energy and how exhausting all the visits may be. She told me they didn’t have any bucket list things except to spend time with kids and grandkids. During our conversation with my parents on January 4^th my father told me his life has been a dream come true, so I’m not surprised he didn’t have many bucket list items. He is planning to go to Eureka Springs, Arkansas for Valentines Day with my mother and some friends and then go to Hot Springs, Arkansas with my family in March. I really hope he gets to do those things.

I talked with my father’s sister some today. Her husband and her brother are dying of cancer at the same time. I’m sure that is really tough. I think I’ve been kind of wrapped up in how this is going to impact my mother and myself that I hadn’t really been thinking about how other people will be taking the loss of my father. He is the youngest of his siblings, so I’m sure it is a bit shocking and devastating to all of them that he will go first. One of my friends also brought up how involved he has been in the community throughout his career. Her statement to me was, “this is a community loss.” I hadn’t really thought about that before she said it. I will continue to encounter people in the community who will be grieving the loss of my father. Friday, when I went to Court I met with one of our clients and seeing her grief for my father made me cry. I need to get used to that because I’m sure that is something I will continue to experience. I’ve been texting with one of the local judges about updates on my father and am counting on him to keep the rest of the local bar association informed.

In brief conversations I seem to keep it together pretty well. I just keep repeating that I’m grateful I had the chance to say all the things I wanted to say and that I just hope he can be comfortable for the time he has left. There are a lot of people who do not understand why my father chose not to do chemotherapy of radiation. I understand though and so does my mother. We all just want him to feel as good as possible for the time he has left. He also mentioned to me that he didn’t want his younger grandkids to only remember him in a scary hospital bed, which also makes sense to me.

I know a huge fear for my mother was the fact that my father had lost his faith about a decade ago. Thursday, when I told my father I was at the emergency room with my daughter, he said, “we’ll say a prayer for her.” That meant so much to me to hear him say that. I have heard a lot of people tell my father they were praying for him. I haven’t said that to him, though I am praying for him and my mother, because I didn’t know if it would matter to him. My mother also said she’s heard him talk about miracles several times recently. I’m grateful he’s been given the opportunity to find his faith again.

It has seemed like a pretty shitty week, but I still have a lot I am thankful for. I’m thankful my parents loaned us a vehicle until we get the Yukon fixed, I’m thankful we had another refrigerator and access to another freezer when ours died, and I’m really thankful for the time I’ve had with my father and the time I have left. I’m thankful I was able to write my father one last “Thank You Note” so that when he leaves this world, I will not have anything that was left unsaid.