My husband relapsed, again.

Last night my middle son asked me, “Didn’t Saul threaten to cut a baby in half to see which woman loved it more?” I told him that was Solomon. He asked who Solomon was and I said he was David’s son and became king after David and that David became king after Saul, and admitted that it was possible Saul had a son who was king briefly but I couldn’t remember for sure. I then told him Saul, David, and Solomon all started out very wise, doing great things for Israel, but all three of them ended up making a series of bad choices and left things a mess.

Then it hit me. My husband isn’t any different. He was my best friend and greatest support system the first ten years of our marriage. He was a great father, who was very involved with our children. I suspect he was always using opiates occasionally, but I didn’t know. Then in 2021 he spiraled out of control.

I still didn’t know what was going on until November 1, 2021 when he came clean about his Morphine addiction. It’s been nearly four years and I feel like I am in the exact same place I was then. I know I am far from blameless. I have enabled him and sheltered him from the consequences of his choices. I thought I was preserving our family and that was always what I wanted. In hind sight though, I think I made it too easy for him, to the point that I don’t think he even understands consequences anymore.

I have refinanced the house twice to pay off debt that was incurred as a result of his spending money (we’re talking six figures) on drugs. I always asked him to go to treatment or therapy, but he always refused. He always promised it wouldn’t happen again and that he didn’t need help. Instead of pushing him on that, I let him make it his journey.

Unfortunately, by letting it be “his journey” I think I just further insulated his selfish thought process. Eight months ago I was ready to file for divorce, but he detoxed and it was like he became a different person, like a fog was lifted. So, I gave him another chance, but told him it would be the last one.

I think he made it about five months before he relapsed. He would insist the relapse was much more recent than that, such that he made it about eight months, but he lies to me easier than he breathes at this point so who knows? In July I became suspicious because I could see on Life360 that he was staying at gas stations for multiple hours; he was going to the house of one of the people who had always sold him pills; he was deleting his text messages with that person; he was falling asleep randomly; and his phone location would sometimes turn off for hours or days at a time and he would claim he had no idea why that was happening.

I confronted him about that in August. He was very defensive, claimed he only deleted the text messages because he didn’t want me to worry; he was only falling asleep because he was so exhausted from working in the heat all day; he reminded me all his pay checks had been deposited in our account, there were no strange charges, and he didn’t have access to credit cards anymore. I told him I understood about the banking situation, but that I wasn’t stupid. I knew he could be trading his drug dealer work for pills and if he got paid cash for jobs he could be keeping that for himself (which is exactly what was happening, by the way).

After that conversation I let things go for a bit, but the patterns continued. On October 4, 2025 his phone location had been off for a couple of days. He told me he was going to Lowe’s (3 miles from our house) to get weed eater string, was gone for two and a half hours, and there was no weed eater string to be found when he returned. He had been texting someone throughout the day. So, while he was napping I looked at his phone. Even though I had seen him texting, the most recent messages on his phone were from two days prior. I found text messages with the guy I knew he had previously got pills from, talking about him trading work for pills. What was more concerning though, was that I found messages with someone who was selling him pills where he was telling that person our children’s exact sports schedules: when and where they had practices; and apparently he was meeting up with this person at our daughter’s practices.

I took screenshots of those messages and sent them to myself. I didn’t say anything to him at first, but he obviously realized I had sent them before too long. He told me repeatedly it wasn’t what I thought and that he would take a drug test. I’m sure the assumption was that I would ask him to take a UA, but instead I said, “Ok, Monday I will call and schedule a nail follicle test, so don’t cut your nails. That will tell me anything you’ve used in the last six months and we can put this to bed and I can stop acting crazy.” He immediately started sobbing. Telling me “it’s just hard” and “it’s only happened a couple of times” and “it’s not like I’m spending your money” and “if you had signed me up for therapy, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” I sent him the name and contact information for a therapist close to a year ago, but I guess I was supposed to schedule the appointments for him, like he was a child.

Considering the fact that he was continuing to lie to my face after he was already caught I don’t believe that it was only a couple of times very recently. I think that is one of the more upsetting aspects to me. It just feels very disrespectful that he continued to lie, even when I knew the truth; even when I had told him two months prior exactly what he was doing. What is the most upsetting though is that he was willing to endanger our children to continue getting high. I know nothing about this drug dealer, except that he has questionable morals since he makes his living doing illegal activities, but I certainly don’t want him, or any other stranger for that matter, knowing my kids’ schedules. I don’t have pictures of my kids on my phone background, or in social media profile pictures, and the only picture I have in my office of my kids is from five years ago when I only had four kids. I do not want someone who looks me up, or comes to meet with me once to know anything about what my children look like, or what activities they are in. I have tried to be very particular about protecting that information. Yet, their father appears to completely disregard their safety as long as he can get what he wants.

I do a lot of work in the juvenile court system, so it is now at the point that I am fearful I could lose the children if we were to get hotlined. I told my husband this and he, of course, insists I’m being ridiculous. I told him I did not want him driving the kids around until he could pass a hair follicle test. So, I have lots of running back and forth to get the kids to their various activities, but at least I can feel comfortable that they are not being driven with illegal substances in the vehicle or with anyone who is under the influence.

I wanted so badly to be Saint Monica and save him, but I have hit my breaking point. I was sobbing on the bathroom floor two days after I caught him. I told him I wasn’t sure I could afford the house by myself (I am severely underwater in the house because I had to refinance to pay off the damage from his addiction multiple times and I had to have him taken off the mortgage because his credit is so bad) and I didn’t want our oldest child to think he needed to get a job to help support me. I also am not the one who does the home maintenance. My husband works construction, so he handles all that. I don’t know how our lawnmower works. I don’t know what to do when the water heater stops working. We have a water leak in the basement that is causing mold and I don’t have any idea how to fix that. I know my life would be really difficult without him and I have always wanted my children to live with their father, but I have to draw a line in the sand. If any of my children were being treated this way in a relationship, even he would tell them to get out.

I am six months pregnant with our sixth child. Our older three children do not trust him because they have lived through two of his spirals. Number four I don’t think really understands, so I believe his feelings towards his father are still positive. Our youngest is still one, and, though I am her clear favorite, her father really makes her giggle. I don’t want my youngest two children to have no memory of living with their father. I don’t want my husband to just be a sentence when our oldest graduates high school soon: “where’s your dad?” “Oh, he’s an addict, I don’t ever see him.” I don’t want my daughter asking one of her teachers to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.

I listen to a lot of country Christian music lately and this song “Bar Named Jesus” by Thomas Rhett comes on a lot. It makes me cry every time. The message is positive about how Jesus is so much more fulfilling than any substance, but the song begins with a guy talking about how he doesn’t get to see his daughter because he couldn’t stop drinking. The idea that someone has to lose everything before they can make meaningful changes in their life is really upsetting to me. My husband is the one with addiction issues, but after he came clean about his addiction four years ago I started therapy, I started reading the Bible again, I started going to church more, I read Al-Anon books, but he did not make a single behavioral change. Even after his second spiral he would not make a single behavioral change. I sent that song to my husband the other day and told him I hoped he didn’t have to lose everything to change. He, of course, insists it won’t come to that.

King Saul, King David, and King Solomon all died before they were able to clean up their mistakes., many of which had severe, lasting impacts on the Israelites. I hope and pray that isn’t how my husband’s story ends. He did start therapy this week, though he was late (I suspect intentionally) so his session was only about 25 minutes. I’ve told him to start coming to church with us; and, since I do not have the time or energy to play detective with him, I’m going to have him start taking nail follicle tests every six months for the foreseeable future. If he tests positive at any point I am going to have to file for divorce. I will always pray for him and I really wanted to be the one who helped save him, but I see now that the way I have enabled him and sheltered him from the consequences of his actions has not helped either of us. I have to draw a line and make sure I am able to demonstrate to my children the strength I want them to have.